The Cutter

STARRING: Chuck Norris
BADNESS RATING:
RELEASED: 2005
DIRECTED BY: William Tannen

The CutterChuck Norris, diamonds and an attorney in a Hawaiin shirt… what could go wrong? It turns out a couple kick fights does not a hit movie make.

I fell asleep during my first viewing and awoke to the final kick off. Rewatching the next day I understood my sleepiness. 1 star for you.

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Hellbound

STARRING: Chuck Norris
BADNESS RATING:
RELEASED: 1994
DIRECTED BY: Aaron Norris

HellboundFinally! A chance for Chuck to literally kick Satan’s ass. Well, Satan’s second-in-command anyway. In this supernatural, edge-of-your-pew thriller, Chicago’s Sargent Shatter (Chuck), and his wacky, black partner, Detective Jackson (Calvin Levels) investigate the mysterious death of a rabbi who has had his heart ripped out and thrown across the room. The investigation leads our heros to Isreal, where they’ll spend the rest of the movie learning about and trailing their suspect: the “mythical” Prosatanus (get it?) who was trapped in a sealed coffin for the last thousand years, and accidentally released by some wayward treasure hunters. He comes complete with long white fingernails, long dark hair and weird cat eyes.

The constant and utterly cheesy comedy routine that side-kick Jackson brings to the movie is truly painful to watch. The fight scenes are a little slow and infrequent. Chuck practices his usual technique of big kicks, little acting. And Prosatanus seems to have schizophrenic super powers. One minute he can throw five guys across the room with a  single blow, and the next minute he can’t seem to hold his own in a battle with a jet-lagged, 50 year old, mortal Chuck Norris. Or maybe Chuck is just that good?

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